05 May 2009

Advice to King Dave of the Isle of Man

To HM King David of the Isle of Mann (or Man), cousin to Queen Elizabeth II, come forth, I, your Not-So-Humble Servant to render such Wisdom as I can…

For about ten minutes today, David Howe, a 38 year old businessman from Maryland commanded the front page on FoxNews.Com with the story of his Coronation. In 2006 some Brit genealogist called to tell him that he might have a claim to the throne of the Isle of Mann (or Man). So, he filled out the right forms and sent them to Her Majesty's Stationary Office which after a 90 day review period approved his Royal application. Apparently they sent him a crown, a royal robe and a spoon. Some Kings get swords, others get scepters, but David gets a spoon.

My favorite part of the story is the reaction from the people of the Isle of Man, which I think can best be summed up as: "Who?" The elected government of the Isle of Man is probably still laughing themselves senseless. They are so disrespectful of their new King that the official government website has no mention of his coronation. Well King David, it looks like you'll need to stage an invasion to enforce Your Royal Rights. I recommend you look into some the old laws on how to execute traitors. That's how you get medieval on their butts.

The best part about this story is that HM (that's His Majesty, to you) King David has a lovely website. On his home page under an enormous picture of him, he details his efforts to provide aide for the poor AIDS afflicted children of Insert African Nation Here. Even Americans know you cannot be a Royal unless you have some charity to support. Especially useful are those charities that show you pictures of starving children. Those work best of all. Good choice there, Your Majesty. You hit that nail right on the head.

But if you do a little digging into the Royal website you find his Royal Pedigree. You know, like they do with dogs. Not only does he include his family tree proving his Royal Title, but he also proves that he is a cousin to the Royal Family of Great Britain. Wow, he's cousins with the Queen! Let's get something straight; I'm no genealogist but it seems to me when you cast such an enormous net (like the Cousin's Net), you are probably also related to Cher, Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney. I recommend that you lose the whole Cousins thing. Let's agree that you are only allowed to be a Royal Cousin if they invite you over for tea.

Also, if you take the time to look at his Pedigree you may notice that he has achieved his gentle rank through marriage. Now, that is perfectly legitimate. But, does that mean he's Royal by insertion? If so, then good job King David! I always heard you were supposed to pull your Sword out of the stone. It just goes to show that you cannot trust legends. But it might damage your macho image, so I would dump that webpage too.

Now, there's the matter of Royal Revenue. Until you conquer your island you can't collect taxes. But I have solved that for you! Just sell Knighthoods! There are tons of obnoxious idiots who would pay dearly for a title. I would add a web store and sell them that way. Between the money you can make from titles and the cash that will come in from your charity, you should have a pretty nice war chest.

To invade, you will need an army. And let's face it, no regular mercenary army will do. You need to show your subjects that you mean business and will not tolerate anything but total loyalty. For that mission, I can only recommend Blackwater. It might take up some of the money for the African kids, but you can always pay them back later.

Anyway, I hope you look charitably on Your Servant for his Words of Wisdom and that Your Majesty remembers to send me money when you use any of these ideas.

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